A Practical Overview of the 5 Types of Monogamy

Monogamy definition is - the state or practice of having only one sexual partner at a time.

 

Monogamous or not, breaking down monogamy into its different types: physical monogamy, social monogamy, financial monogamy, emotional monogamy, and activity monogamy, can help you more clearly and overtly define the boundaries within your relationship.

 

* Monogamous(일자 일웅의, 一雌一雄의, 雌雄의 )

 

 

A Practical Overview of the 5 Types of Monogamy - NYChickInBerlin

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A Practical Overview of the 5 Types of Monogamy

Which ways are you and your partner monogamous?

 

A friend once told me that one helpful way to approach non-monogamy is by thinking about the different types of monogamy. By looking at all the ways a couple can be monogamous, you can decide which aspects of monogamy you want to keep and which to discard.

 

Monogamous or not, breaking down monogamy into its different types: physical monogamy, social monogamy, financial monogamy, emotional monogamy, and activity monogamy, can help you more clearly and overtly define the boundaries within your relationship. (Instead of making assumptionsOpens in a new window, which will inevitably cause conflict down the line.)

 

Here the five types of monogamy and how they apply to my relationship. Which apply to yours?

Physical monogamy

When people think about whether or not a couple is monogamous, they usually think of physical monogamy.

 

For a typical couple this means they only engage physically with one another.

In my past monogamous relationships, all contact beyond a hug or a quick kiss on the cheek with someone of the opposite sex would have crossed a boundary.

 

My current partner and I decided we do not have to be physically monogamous. If either of us wants to kiss or even have sex with someone else, we are free to do so as long as everyone involved is in the know.

 

In other words, anyone we engage with physically should know that we have a partner, and we would tell each other if we were to engage with anyone else physically.

 

Although physical monogamy is very important to many couples, it’s not the only type of monogamy there is.

Social monogamy

Invited to a wedding where you can bring a plus-one? Can only add one other person to your insurance policy? This is where social monogamy comes in.

 

When you agree to be socially monogamous, it means that to the world you are the other’s one and only. Even if you have physical relations with other people.

 

In Victorian times, this was the basic rule. Just appear to be a pair to the outside world so as to not embarrass anyone.

 

Marriages were about wealth and status. There wasn’t necessarily romantic love between the husband and wife, so whether they had affairs behind closed doors didn’t always matter so much.

 

My partner and I do not pretend we are monogamous (otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this). But we do expect that we would be the plus one of the other when we are invited to a wedding. We expect that we will be the only other person introduced to the other’s parents.

 

So in some ways, we are practicing social monogamy.

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Financial monogamy

Married folks and people who have been together for a long time sometimes share bank accounts or other finances.

Often the two people agree that they will share money with one another but not with anyone else. This is where financial monogamy comes in.

 

All couples must discuss their boundaries when it comes to finances at some point. Indeed financial issues are a main source of stressOpens in a new window for all couples. So this is really important to get right.

 

I never shared a bank account with a partner, but I have felt possessive when it comes to money in a relationship.

My first boyfriend in college would pay for everything for me. (Something I found sweet at the time although in hind site may have been a red flagOpens in a new window. )

 

One time, he, a female friend of ours, and I went to coffee. And I remember him offering to pay for not just me but her as well.

 

I felt jealous in that moment. I had the feeling that his money was for us as a couple, not for this other person.

 

Thankfully, I knew better than to listen to that instinct. I knew logically he could spend his own money as he liked, so I didn’t do or say anything about that instinctual jealous feeling.

 

But if it wasn’t his money and it actually was our money. Or we actually shared our finances, I might not be okay if he were to regularly buy food or other items for his friends.

 

My partner and I are not financially monogamous. But if we were to end up moving in together or otherwise intertwine ourselves financially, it is something we would have to discuss.

Emotional monogamy

You are emotionally monogamous when you and your partner agree to only have a strong emotional connection with one another.

 

My partner and I are erring on the side of emotional monogamy. Meaning we are not trying to have an emotional connection or fall in love with anyone else besides one another. However, there is a big asterisk with this one.

 

I don’t know how much in practice this will work for me: separating the physical and the emotional. I love connecting with other people on this level, especially men I find attractive. And unless I’m really drunk, the physical follows only after that emotional connection.

 

For many people, once you allow physical non-monogamy, it’s much harder to control the emotional side.

Someone may catch feelings. That’s just the way it goes. So my partner and I have agreed we’ll just have to play this one by ear and discuss any feelings that arise for other people as they come up.

 

(Emotional but not physical monogamy is often called swingingOpens in a new window. When a couple is neither physically nor emotional monogamous, it is called polyamoryOpens in a new window.)

Activity monogamy

Maybe you and your partner have a thing that you often do together. Like going to the boulder gym. Or listening to techno. Or watching Sex and the City.

 

And if you were to do any of these specific things with another person, that would cross a boundary.

This is called activity monogamy. You are monogamous only when it comes to specific interests or hobbies.

 

My partner and I haven’t discussed any specific activity that we want to keep for ourselves and ourselves alone. But if asked, one thing that comes to mind is acro yoga.

 

We have been practicing together for the past few months. It’s kind of “our thing.” So I may be jealous if he were to begin practicing regularly with someone else.

 

That said, I wouldn’t forbid him from it if it’s what he wanted to do.

On the other hand, if he wanted to do something like, say, play piano with a partner, I would have much less of a problem with that. Because well, I don’t play piano at all, but he does.

 

I think this is one of the nicest aspects of being polyamorous. Each member of a couple is going to inevitably have different interests.

 

If my partner doesn’t like to jog (he doesn’t) and I want to run a marathon, then that may be something I can do with a different partner.

 

And because we are open, my primary partner would never have to feel pressure to go for a run with me. You can imagine a similar scenario when it comes to going to a concert or seeing a movie.

Netflix password monogamy

This is the person with whom you share your family’s Netflix password with. There can only be one. Ok I’m kidding. This is totally not one of the monogamies.

Relationship anarchy (no rules whatsoever)

This brings me to the last type of monogamy, which is no monogamy at all.

In my version of utopia, relationship anarchy would be more practical than it is in reality. No one would need to instate any rules because no one would ever get jealous. Everyone would just be happy with whatever anyone else wanted to do in the moment.

 

Every wedding would allow not only plus-ones, but plus-however-many-you-would-like-to-comes. And you could put down more than one spouse on your insurance policy.

People would (consensually) love who they want, the way they want, when they want without consequence.

There would be no rules. AKA anarchy.

 

It sounds extreme but really it’s not. It just means you’re going with the flow.

I think every relationship should start out this way. No rules should be assumed.

Although my current partner and I have hunches about how we want our relationship to look and what we will be comfortable with in the future. We don’t really know what types of monogamy we will undertake and which we will put to the wayside down the line.

 

Whether you are in a monogamous relationship or not consider these aspects of monogamy and discuss them with your partner.

 

Because if you don’t, he may come home one day to admit he watched the next episode of Tiger King without you. Dun. Dun. Dun.

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